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The Gig List Archives
We here at Giggin' On Ya make no apologies for not getting you guys a Christmas gift. You see, we don't celebrate Christmas, as any of you who have been jocking my shit for awhile surely know by now. And while it may have been a function of a new city for me, I wasn't even entirely certain when the Hanukkah fell on the ol' calendar this year. This is not abnormal. For years, due to final exams and things of that nature, it was always a surprise to get the "Happy Hannukah" phonecall on that first night, what with it always being a different date, ranging anywhere from right after Thanksgiving to several days past Christmas. And so it is not only acceptable, but pretty much expected at this point, that presents from Becky arrive not so much during Hanukkah, as around Hanukkah. Sometimes wrapped. Sometimes not so much. I fucking suck at wrapping presents. Gift bags were invented for people like me. But I digress.
Yes, the gift-giving holidays are over (unless you count a raging New Years Day hangover a gift, in which case you and I will get along juuuuuust fine). But we here at the GOY (ironic?) believe that it's never too late for the holiday spirit. And so we would like to give to you, dear readers, the Holiday Gig List. For the most deserving of gigs for the past year.
Ben and I went back and forth for a few hours nominating those worthy of a year-end gig. He, especially, would like you to know that not all gigs are necessarily representative of the views and opinions of both giggers.
I bet you can tell which are from Ben, and which are from Becky.
Come open up your shoddily wrapped present, after the jump....
Continue reading "Your Holiday Gig List" »
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What better time to bang out this week's edition of the Gig List than following a tough Knicks loss. Overall, the Knicks looked good against a fired up King James on the road. Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry prospered on the floor together, Nate Robinson looks much improved both offensively and defensively, D Lee has polished his offensive game a bit and Jamal Crawford continues to develop as both a scorer and passer. Many positives to take into the home opener Sunday against the artists formerly known as the 2006-07 Boston Celtics, the Minnesota T'Wolves. I am going to hold off assessing this Knicks team until the 5 game mark, at which point all GOY readers should be ready for some analytical fury!
Anyway, this has been a loaded sports week. The Red Sox championship has made their fans 45% (arbitrary number) more obnoxious and unbearable while Martina Hingis showed us that the 1986 Mets have nothing on her in the drug department. Guess she doesn't mind the all-white outfit requirement at Wimbledon eh! A lot of good giggin candidates this week, so lets get to it:
1. Scott Boras & A-Rod - Scott Boras chose the 8th inning of Sunday night's World Series game 4 to announce that A-Rod was opting out of his Yankee contract and would become a free agent. While critics claim that the timing for the announcement was classless and this was a blatant attempt to overshadow the game, Boras explained that it was the only time he had available to send out the email. "You have to understand, I am a busy man. Between all the high-profile athletes that I represent and the added shifts I had to take on tending the gates of hell in exchange for JD Drew's 70 million dollar contract, there was simply no other time I could have made the announcement." Boras went on to add that he has nothing but the utmost respect for the Red Sox organization and general manager Theo Epstein. "Theo has done a great job building the Red Sox roster. If it wasn't for his savvy desicion-making do you think I'd be talking to you from this lavish yacht, the SS Heist? I think not. Now if you'll excuse me I need to grab my pitchfork, the Prince of Darkness does not tolerate tardiness."
2. Curt Schilling - Not to be outdone, Curt Schilling super-blogger/genius/plus-size pinup model rediscovered the art of the handwritten letter this week, penning letters to each of his Red Sox teammates bidding them farewell. Fortunately, we found one of the letters Schilling wrote crumpled in the trash can behind Fenway Park and would like to share it exclusively with our loyal GOY readers. Addressed to staff ace Josh Beckett the letter read:
Dear Josh,
Your performance in this year's playoffs was awesome. However, you have a long way to go before you can be considered in the same class as me, the great Curt Schilling. Come talk to me when you pitch with a bloody sock or have a hair style that rivals my awesome spikes "ace."
Best Wishes,
Curt
PS - Don't even think about starting a blog because you are not as smart as me.
Interestingly, when asked about his letter from Schilling, Kevin Youklis had no idea what we were talking about. "Oh Kevin, he didnt receive a personal handwritten letter from me," Schilling said. "I found out the other day Kevin is a Jew and since his people killed my lord and savior Jesus Christ, I have nothing to say to him."
3. Andy Reid - Andy Reid's two sons Britt and Garrett Reid were sentenced to 23 month prison terms, resulting from a slew of drug and gun charges. Reid, regarded as one of the top coaches in the NFL as well as one of the curviest, made it clear today that he will stay on as the head coach of the Eagles despite his family turmoil. Adding insult to injury, Judge Steven O'Neill gave a damning description of the Reids calling their home a "drug emporium" and stating that they are a "family in crisis." Reid said that he is grateful for all of the support he is receiving from the NFL community. "Michael Irvin has reached out to us as have Ricky Williams and Bam Morris. The funny thing is, they each asked for Britt and Garrett's cell phone numbers at the end of our conversations. I had to remind them that the boys are not allowed to have cell phones in jail." The Reid boys, raised on the mean streets of Montgomery county (an affluent suburb of Philadelphia) went as far as to proclaim they enjoyed "dealing drugs in the hood." Now it appears, they'll have to worry only about protecting their trunks.
4. Roy Williams - Taking time out from getting beat deep by WRs on the practice squad, Roy Williams responded to Donovan Mc Nabb's assertion that the Eagles are still the team to beat in the NFC east due to the fact they won the division last year and 5 times since 2000. Williams, whose Cowboys play the Eagles on Sunday in Philly where they have lost 7 of their last 8, responded with the following:
"Right now, they are in no position to talk about 'everything goes through Philly.' Some teams went to Philly and they beat them. No one is worried about 'You have to go through Philly. 'You have to go through Dallas, you have to go through Washington and you have to go through New York, too. Everybody feels they are the best. Right now, it's just about how you play ont he field, that proves you are the best."
After a reporter pointed out that all of the NFC East teams are aware they must play each other on the road this season and that his closing lines were a simple-minded cliche', the strong safety chased the reporter into the parking lot, dragging him down from behind by the collar of his sports blazer. Williams was penalized 15 yards for the tackle and the press conference was ended prematurely. The reporter (ACL) is out for the season.
5. Joe Torre - An unlikely candidate to be on the Gig List, Torre was nominated this week by Los Angeles Dodgers reliever Scott Proctor. Formerly of the Yankees, Torre used Proctor in 12 of 17 games earlier this year. The excessive workload would eventually send the reliever to the DL with a tired arm. He was traded to LA soon after in exchange for Wilson Betemit. Upon hearing of Torre's hiring as the new Dodgers skipper, Proctor legally changed his name to Chad Curtis in hopes of being thrown under the bus by Torre and traded. When that failed, Proctor sawed off his right arm in order to as he put it "quit delaying the inevitable."
Big Game Prediction: Pats 31 Colts 21
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 Giggin' On Ya has been on extended summer vacation and thus it has taken a considerable amount of time to follow up the initial edition of The Gig List. However, we are going to take Isiah Thomas' approach to the last four months - forgetting they ever happened - and look forward to the fine folks that deserve a good giggin on this 24th day of october...
1. Rudy Giuliani - In a move that roughly equates to Hulk Hogan joining the nWo, Rudy Giuliani announced this week during a campaign fundraiser at a Boston restaurant that he will be rooting for the Red Sox in the 2007 World Series. Giuliani, who was awarded four honorary World Series rings by the Yankees during his term as mayor of New York City and who hails from Brooklyn, explained that he is rooting for the hated Sox because he is an "American League fan." He then went on to add that given his New York roots, he would also root for the Mets in the World Series and the Democrats if they win the election in 2008.
2. City of Philadelphia - If you enjoy championship droughts in sports, unattractive people and running stone steps during training, I have the city for you. A survey of 60,000 people released by Travel & Leisure magazine, ranking 25 major cities in a variety of categories, found the people of Philadelphia to be the least attractive. This is especially distressing news for a city that also ranks in the top 10 in obesity and unkempt mustaches. Philadelphia mayor John F. Street, sporting a partial fu-manchu and a hair style that is a cross between an afro and flat top, said the city is prepared to take added measures to increase the attractiveness and general health of its citizens. "These survey results are a wake up call to city hall and the citizens of Philadelphia. In the next few months, we will be implementing new initiative calling for more rigorous gym class regiments for children in K-12 and free seminars for female citizens focusing on the most effective ways to eliminate undesirable chest and facial hair." When asked about his most controversal piece of legislation which would set a quota on the number of cheesesteaks that may be consumed in the city each week, the mayor was more conservative with his response. "We have received mixed reviews on the cheesesteak quota and will explore ways to alter the bill in order to keep everyone in the city satisfied." One of the staunchest opponents of the cheesesteak crackdown, Eagles head coach Andy Reid, could not be reached for comment as this article was written during lunchtime.
3. The Hackers who took down the Colorado Rockies online ticketing systen - You messed with God's baseball team fellas. Don't be surpised if upon waking tomorrow the collection of computer porn you have painstakingly put together over the years has vanished, your beloved character "BoneCrusherLadySexer007" which you live vicariously through in World of Warcraft is deceased, your Ovaltine tastes like urine and nothing is like it seems... in other words your parents have kicked you out of their basement, your dwelling since the Reagan administration.
4. Green Bay Packers Fans - After attending the Giants-Packers game at Giants Stadium, I came away disgusted by a majority of the Green Bay faithful. While I understand that the diet of the average Wisconsin resident - beer, cheese, sausage, brats and babies - is conducive to creating the mamouth masses of flab that are the Green Bay Packers fan base, it was the rude, surly demeanor they displayed that I found shameful. In this 20 second YouTube clip, a young Packers fan simply gets owned.
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As I decompose at my desk on this beautiful Monday in Manhattan like a roided Rey Ordonez during the 2002 baseball season, I'd like to introduce a new feature to this blog of ours: The Gig List. For those of you not familiar with the concept of "gigging," it is a term that can be used to denote a state of superiority or ownership over another individual. Essentially, if I gigged on ya, at some point in time I OWNED you. My counterpart Becky will explain this phenomenon in detail later this week.
Now without further delay, I introduce the inaugural class of the gig list:
1. Richard Jefferson (or as he is known in the New Jersey gay community "RJ")
Becky has already broken the most important news story - the inexplicable engagement of RJ to a female. I dont know about you, but the first thing that came to mind when I heard about this was the superb ESPN series Playmakers. The show focuses on the culture of the locker room, personal lives of players/coaches and the fickle nature of management in professional football. During the series, it is revealed that the team's pro bowl tight end, Thad Guerwitcz is gay. To hide his homosexuality, Thad gets engaged to a smoking hot woman to alleviate any doubt about his sexual preference among his teammates. Now, I'm not saying RJ's gay or he will be exposed... im just telling you what came to mind when I heard the news.... the parallels are there... moving on...
2. The New York Mets
The Mets are struggling right now having lost 11 of their last 14 games. The Carloses have looked bad at the plate, failing to produce in RBI situations while Tom Glavine has had a few tough outings in a row. To make matters worse for Mets fans, this rough stretch has coincided with the Yankees righting the ship, winning 14 of 17 including 2 of 3 in the subway series this weekend.
Fortunately, the Mets remain in first and are slowly getting back their starters including Jose Valentin and Shawn Green with Lastings Milledge and Moises Alou on the horizon. Personally, I think the Mets will get back on track this week at home and go 4-2 in the upcoming 6 games versus Minnesota and Oakland. Meanwhile, the Yankees should continue to stay hot in interleague play, making it very tough to be a bandwagon New York baseball fan but easy for those who claim to "root for all New York teams."
3. Kobe Bryant
Kobe Bryant reiterated his trade demands and continues to tease downtrodden Knicks fans everywhere by including New York on a short list of teams he would waive his no-trade clause to play for. Look, Kobe isn't getting traded. Simply put, the Lakers couldn't get equal value for him in any trade and have no obligation to move him.
As such, here is my plea to you Kobe: Please stop making these demands. I don't need this sense of false hope in my life. It has already forced me do things I am not proud of such as read a Chris Sheridan blog or listen to an Isiah Thomas' interview on the Stephen A. Smith show. For the love of G-d, put us out of our misery with a cliched interview establishing your undying allegiance to the Lakers and end this fiasco. Now if you will excuse me I am going to destroy my ear drums with some jagged Cheez Doodles.
4. NFL Busts Past and Present
Kudos to BradyFan83 on YouTube for this brilliant song parody focusing on a myriad of NFL draft busts entitled Mr. Upside. Try to name all the busts pictured and pay close attention to the lyrics; they are hilarious. Here's to you Blair Thomas, you're finally getting the attention you deserve pal.
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