We here at Giggin' On Ya make no apologies for not getting you guys a Christmas gift.  You see, we don't celebrate Christmas, as any of you who have been jocking my shit for awhile surely know by now.  And while it may have been a function of a new city for me, I wasn't even entirely certain when the Hanukkah fell on the ol' calendar this year.  This is not abnormal.  For years, due to final exams and things of that nature, it was always a surprise to get the "Happy Hannukah" phonecall on that first night, what with it always being a different date, ranging anywhere from right after Thanksgiving to several days past Christmas.  And so it is not only acceptable, but pretty much expected at this point, that presents from Becky arrive not so much during Hanukkah, as around Hanukkah.  Sometimes wrapped.  Sometimes not so much.  I fucking suck at wrapping presents.  Gift bags were invented for people like me.  But I digress.

Yes, the gift-giving holidays are over (unless you count a raging New Years Day hangover a gift, in which case you and I will get along juuuuuust fine).  But we here at the GOY (ironic?) believe that it's never too late for the holiday spirit.  And so we would like to give to you, dear readers, the Holiday Gig List.  For the most deserving of gigs for the past year.

Ben and I went back and forth for a few hours nominating those worthy of a year-end gig.  He, especially, would like you to know that not all gigs are necessarily representative of the views and opinions of both giggers.

I bet you can tell which are from Ben, and which are from Becky.

Come open up your shoddily wrapped present, after the jump....

Roger Clemens:
Rocket names Floyd Landis and Travis Henry to head his personal investigation into allegations of steroid use during his career. 

Jason Collins:
Until way too recently, the worst starting big man in the NBA; unfortunately not solely to blame for the Nets' woes...just the poster boy for them.

Michael Irvin:
The lead to his concession speech after his firing from ESPN in February: "First of all I'd like to thank my connect, the most important person, with all due respect."

Robert Horry:
2 words: Forearm. Shiver.
(Blog rule - you fuck with the Nash, you get the gig.)

Tom Glavine:
Glavine is to the 2007 New York Mets what Hulk Hogan was to WCW at Bash at the Beach '96.

Jerry Sloan:
Hates gays, makes Russians cry, is a big jerk.

Eddy Curry:
Although he is obese, soft on the boards and lacks basketball IQ, it has been medically documented that Curry has a degenerative heart condition, putting to bed all rumors he has no heart once and for all.

Mike Mussina:
C. U. Next. Tuesday.

Travis Henry:
The Anti-Trojan Man.

Alex Smith:
Because having a crush on a shitty QB makes a girl look like a groupie.

Ed Wade:
All the acquisitions of Michael Bourne, Jose Valverde and Miguel Tejada cost the Astros was their farm system, coveted closer, setup man, a few young MLB-ready positional players & arms, and any chance of contending after 2009. Happy New Year, Astros fans!

Roger Goodell:
"I AM ABOVE THE LAW!"

Wayne Krivsky:
Opening dialogue with Texas GM Jon Daniels in regards to trading Josh Hamilton - "You show me a potential middle reliever and I'll show you the world."

John Basedow:
Continuing to haunt nightmares the world over.

Tiki Barber:
Poll: Barber supplants Bryant Gumbel and Wayne Brady as least-threatening African American male in the U.S.
(ed. note- This entry would not be complete without inclusion of the word "douchetard." Douchetard. Thank you.)

THE Senator George J. Mitchell:
Failed to crack baseball's rigid "snitches get stitches" policy, failed to let the rest of us know, succeeded in wasting hours of the nation's productivity.

Shaun Alexander:
Alexander to fantasy football managers: "I will destroy your team's hopes and dreams."
(ed. note- Reggie Bush was also considered for similar reasons, but was considered redeemed for probably peeing on that strumpet.)

Chris Simon:
Cheap shot artiste extraordinaire, asshole, plays for a team on Long Island.

Jon Kitna:
Jesus to Kitna: "Maybe you would be more comfortable being an atheist..."

MLS:
Yes, I see you have David Beckham now.  No, I still don't give a flying fuck.

Quentin Richardson:
Morphing into Clarence Weatherspoon before our very eyes.

Scott Skiles:
Banning headbands WILL get you fired on Christmas Eve.

Shawn Merriman:
Replaced his Lights Out Dance with the Roid Rage Shuffle and the Undeserving Pro Bowler Waltz.

Joe Torre:
With all due respect, sir, I can think of about 10 games this past season just off the top of my head that were lost solely on account of your decision-making, and/or lack thereof.  Good luck with finagling that shiny new NL roster of yours!  I hear Scotty Proctor is super psyched!  You know, other than the fact that he can't get any insurance companies to accept his business....

Roy Williams (Dallas Cowboys edition):
The Giggin On Ya Horse Collar Lock of the Week to get beat deep at least once a game for the rest of his playing career, yet continue to be considered a good safety because he's a "hard hitter."

Eli Manning (with apologies to lifelong Eli apologist Ben):
"Dad, I made the playoffs again! So that means you still love me now, right Dad?  I don't have to win anything major for you to love me, do I, Dad?  If I'm really just not all that great at football, you'll continue to love me, yeah Dad?  If I really don't feel like playing football, I don't have to, isn't that true, Dad?  Dad...?"

Notre Dame Football:
After a 2-win 2007 campaign, Charlie Weis' New Years resolution is to remain as white and Irish as possible.

The New York Mets (with further apologies to Ben, who refuses to acknowledge any negativity in the teams he roots for, other than the Knicks, because...well, because they're the Knicks):
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ha haa...woo...sorry about that.  Just couldn't hel---HAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! 
K, I'm done now.

Antoine Walker:
Every year, the same story is one of the first signs the NBA season is almost upon us.

A-Job, Rashard Lewis, Torii Hunter, et. al.:
For unnecessarily large and lengthy new contracts.
(ed. note- I feel obliged to mention here that Ben is, in fact, an A-Rod apologist as well and was vehemently opposed to his inclusion on the list.)

The Reid Family:
Andy Reid's attempt to break the boys out of prison with the old nail file in the cake trick fails; nail file remains stuck in Reid's throat.

Vince Carter:
Because fuck that guy, that's why.

Isiah Thomas & James Dolan:
The Giggin On Ya Men of the Year, their "contributions" to the New York Knicks franchise cannot properly be described in such a small space. Look for a special Zeke & Jazzy Jim edition of the Gig List coming soon.


Happy holidays, kids.  Be safe out there.