So I went through a short bout of being horrible at life.   Sadly, this bout included one kickass playoff preview written at 1 a.m. on the morning I had to wake up at 4:30 a.m. for a 7 a.m. flight.  A kickass preview written...and promptly deleted by accident right before publication.  I'm not joking.  It had everything.  Great jokes.  Great insight.  It rocked.  I rocked.  And then...*poof!*  All gone.  I almost cried.  I almost threw my computer onto the floor.  Then I settled on muttering "FUCK" a bunch of times and going to sleep pissed off.

So.  You're not getting my timely "The playoffs are about to start!" preview.  Rather, you are getting my "Here's where I'm at a few days in" non-preview.  Luckily I did not attempt to make predictions.  As I said then, everyone and their strumpet mother makes playoff predictions.  (Apologies to my dear Benjamin, and Mama Benjamin.) 

The very funny Mitch Hedberg once talked about a trip to the fair, where there was a jar of jellybeans and a "Guess How Many Jellybeans In the Jar" contest.  And Mitch said, "I'll tell you what...how about you guess how many I want.  If you guessed 'a handful,' then you are right."

In that regard, I decided to just go through each first round series, and say what I wanted to see in each one.  And it was glorious.  And it was long.  And it was gone.  Guhhhhh.

Well, guess what?  The playoffs started 4 days ago.  I was in Florida.  I'm back in NY.  And I still have wants.  I'm insatiable.  I'm also incorrigible, but that's neither here nor there.  Suffice to say I will be saving this every 2 minutes.  And boycotting BlogJet.  Because fuck BlogJet, that's why.

In no particular order, here is what I want to see in the first round, adjusted for the "this shit already done gone down some" factor:

Jazz vs. Rockets- Let me go on record as saying I made a Carlos Boozer/Pro-Activ joke as well.  But I failed at life as a follow-up, so all props to Ben.  I despise Boozer though.  I want to see him keep doing well while the Jazz keep losing.  In the alternative, I want to see the Jazz win while Boozer plays like poo.  I want AK-47 to start playing like a beast again and I want Sloan to stop being such a cock knocker and LET HIM PLAY.  I want to see just one playground-style piece of flair from Skip To My Lou.  I want the Jazz to lose the series though.  Mostly because I bet some random know-it-all Utah fellater at my gym that the Jazz would not make it out of the first round.  "Nobody can match up with Utah, nobody."  OK, pal.  Go lift some weights and shut up.  Yeah, you're huge.  I'm so impressed.  Now go away.  I want to see a few more Deke finger wags because it never gets old.  I had written some on how I wanted to see TMac just tear things up and own the floor, but that's pretty moot now since...well, since that what he's doing.  And I wanted to see Yao be Yao.  But now apparently TMac is asking for the same thing.  He gets what he wants before I get what I want.  That's fair.  He's like...the MACK.  Anyway.  I want the Rockets.

Spurs vs. Nuggets- I want Tim Duncan to let his alleged "zazy" personality shine through.  I want Evan Longoria to go away.  I want Tony Parker to "bounce toi" in my bedroom.  I want Melo and AI to each go for 50 in a game.  I want Melo to hit those sweet sweet buzzer beaters.  I want AI to play with the firey passion and reckless abandon that we haven't seen from him since before the Sixers front office tried to swallow his soul.  I want Manu to just go the F away.  Seriously, he flops like a damned Italian soccer player.   With a silly bald spot.  I want K-Mart to come back and law some smack.  (I never said what I wanted was realistic, thank you very much.)  I want the Trivia Answer Robert Horry to please disappear and leave us alone.  I want the stupid camera crew to STOP showing us close-ups of Popovich.  Seriously, yeesh.  I want Denver.  

Suns vs. Lakers- I knew the Lakers did not have a prayer in a 7 game series against these Suns.  What did I wish for?  Well, I wished for Barbosa to have one huge game and smile that happy LB smile of his.  And I got that immediately in Game 1.  So there's that.  I want to see Nash get NASTY.  I want Marion to put up 20/20.  Three times.  I want to see Kobe put up 75.  I want to see Chris Mihm...nothing.  I just want to see him, he's tall and handsome, even if not the most skilled basketball player.  He can chill in street clothes.  It's coo.  I want my memory to work again and to be able to figure out when the hell Amare switched his jersey number to #1.  I want Jack McCallum to go back to his 7 Seconds position and report from the inside again so I can get more D'Antoni goodness.  I want lots and lots of happy fun Turiaf time.  I want this series to be even half of last year's version, because it was awesome.  I want the Suns.  

Mavs vs. Warriors- [note: The Baron was just ejected from Game 2 and I feel this is a travesty.]   I want to see more of that silly Jason Terry airplane "Jet" move, because it is just so silly, and I enjoy the silliness.  I had wanted to see some vintage The Baron, but I already got that in Game 1, and have been deprived in Game 2.  I'm sure everyone will have their thoughts on this tomorrow (or in the next few minutes).  I want to see some big rampaging dirty Dirk action.  I want to see him stroke J's, clean the glass, bang in the paint and awkwardly but effectively tell everyone to stay the fuck out of his house, please.  I admit to unashamedly loving that big German.  I don't care how played out it is, I want to see 20 more features on what great friends Dirk and Nashie are.  I want to see Avery get frustrated, then get mad, then get loud, then get glib, then get smart, then get exactly what he wants.  I want to see some vintage crazy SJax.  I want to see some sick Monta dunks.  I want to see how fast Devin Harris really is.  I want the Mavs.  

Pistons vs. Magic- Well now here I am too late to get what I want.  I really did not want the Pistons to have their way with the Magic.  I wanted to see DH play like the absolute MEAST (that is Man+Beast for the non-KSK educated) that he is.  Because who DOESN'T like that guy?  Seriously, who is more well-liked than Dwight Howard?  Nobody, that's who.  Maybe Grant Hill.  I wanted to see him win something, make all that hard rehab work feel like it's been worth it.  I wanted some serious ass-kicking minutes for Darko.  However, 'tis not to be apparently.  I am still holding out the hope though.  If the Pistons gotta win though, I want to see some Sheedtasticness and really get my money's worth.  Who's more fun than Sheed?  Both teams played hard.  More of that.  Less of the waiting around to threaten the refs after the game.  OK, that will do too, as long as no one gets hurt.  I want the Magic.  I really do.  

Heat vs. Bulls-  I want someone to give a nice hard "shut the hell up" foul to Zo and knock him on his ass a few times.  I want someone to kick Antoine in the shins every time he does that disgusting little shimmy of his.  I already said I wanted the Deng/Duhon/Gordon trifecta to go off and running, but they are doing that already.  From the windowwwww...to LUOL.  I want to see Ben Wallace dominate with a big ol' afro like he used to do in Detroit, and I want Skiles to let him wear some super sexy headbands.  I want to see some old skool Diesel action, and I want to hear some fantastically entertaining interviews from him.  Gig on ‘em!  I want to see D-Wade tear shit up, but I want the refs to call the games fairly anyway dammit.  (I never said what I wanted was not cliche.)  I want Chicago.  And it totally looks like that's gonna happen!   Yay for Becky getting what she wants!  (Note: Becky ALWAYS gets what she wants.)

Cavs vs. Wizards-  I want Gil back.    I want Mister Fifty to feel his face...actually, hell to da naw I do not.  I wanted the Wiz to put up a fight and make it a series...and while they have not quite rolled over, there is a feeling of helplessness that I can't really blame them for.  I am thoroughly enjoying the straw-chewing business though.  I want to see Eddie Jordan go back to that magnificent Jheri Curl he was sporting at the beginning of the season.  I want to see LBJ finally take it to that next level.  I want to see Damon Jones have one monster game to make him relevant for just a little longer and give us just a little more "Black Tom Cruise" entertainment.  I want the Cavs.  Unless Agent Zero pulls something superhuman and comes back.  Then, all bets are off.

*sigh*

OK.  So.  This is where it gets tricky.

I'm a huge Nets fan.  Anyone who has ever read El Friends is aware of this.  Anyone who is not...well, I'm telling you now.  Huge.  Nets fan.  There it is.  

As a disclaimer, I like what the younger Colangelo has done in Toronto.  I like Chris Bosh and his style of play.  I like Candace Parker's brother.  I like the fact that this year's Coach of the Year was just a season or 2 ago brawling with his players in the training room.   And I like Pasta Pete (or Bargyomommy or whatever stupid nickname works better than "Andrea").  

Having said that...

I'm a homer.  A blatant unapologetic Nets fan homegirl.   

I want RJ to tell Vince to go fuck himself when Vince takes too many ill-advised shots.  Do it in private if you must, but all the "He's getting good shots and they're just not falling" bullshit everyone else is feeding the media is NOT. HELPING. ANYTHING.  I'm sure RJ is on the phone with his buddy complaining about all of Vince's happy time shooting fun, but if he would just say it to Vince, maybe it would actually make a difference.  I want man-on-a-mission JKidd, where he decides, "Fuck it, I'm taking this over myself."  He's not a shooter and he shouldn't have to make his shots, but when no one else steps up, he does.  I don't want him to have to though.  So I want VC to play SMART.  I want him to not get in his own head, and not try SO hard and TOO hard and outplay himself.  It worries me greatly that the team seems to play better when he's on the bench in foul trouble.  He needs to open his eyes and see that not only does he not NEED to do everything, but also that it hurts the team when he TRIES to do everything.  I do NOT want to see the Wince face anymore, dammit.  I want the Toronto fans to stop bitching about how much they hate him, AS MUCH as they are, because we all know if Carter signs with the Raps this off-season, they'll make amends in a fast fashion.  I want to see some serious heroics from the love of my life, Boki Nachbar.  I want to see the 7 lbs. of muscle Nenad has allegedly put on.  (Just wear a muscle tee on the bench or something, I'm not asking for much.)  I want to see Eddie House do the worm and come back to play asap.  I want Jason Collins to score in double digits.  I want Marcus and Josh and Antoine Wright and all the kids to have some fucking FUN and learn some shit, because if they get past Toronto, they have some real men to go up against.  I want Lawrence to show me he knows how to FINALLY put his rotation to work, the way he should have all season.  I want to see some monster scary-man dunks from Mikki and I want to see how much fun he is having after everything he has gone through to get here.  I want to see that contract get signed between Mikki and the Nets.  I want this team to get healthy, gel, and be here for the next few years, growing stronger each time.  

The East is wide open.

I want the Nets to win it all. 

And they can do it.  God help me, I know they can do it.

They just have to get out of the first round....

Come on, boys.  Do it for me.  Do it for my mom.  Do it for Joe Nets Fan, and the guys at NetsDaily, and every fan who has ever made the trek to the Swamp, and every fan who has not been fortunate enough to be able to do so.  But most of all, do it for yourselves.  It will be beautiful, and it will feel amazing.  I promise.